Thank God, my tests were fine. I'm fine...that was the best news I'd gotten for a long time. The relief flooded me and for a few hours, i got to enjoy feeling ok and relieved.

Unfortunately, it was only a few hours.

My dad is getting worse, fast. He is waiting to be entered into a palliative care where he will live out the rest of his days. My heart hurts to speak so nonchalantly about it but for him, I wish his end to be quick and that his dignity remains in tact. He's so scared. It's hard to watch the man that scared away so many of my childhood boogeymen, being afraid of the unknown. I just want to cradle him like one of my kids and tell him it'll be ok. But I don't know that I can do that. How do I make sure he knows how I feel without spending the next 3-8 weeks crying with him? I don't want his final days to be filled with tears. God I love him so much.

My mom is in the hospital today. She was brought by ambulance this afternoon with chest pains. She's ok. I'm glad. I love her so much too.

I'm at the end of my sanity. I say that so plainly and maybe that I do means I'm not at the end of my sanity. I want to be scooped up and taken away to a place where there is no "ick". A place where nothing bad can get to me and bad news isn't allowed. Where strong arms will hold me tight and protect me from the ugly stuff in the world. Where I'm safe from heartache. Where no one is in danger and the news is only good stuff. Where I wake to the smile of someone who adores me and that those adoring eyes never stop looking at me filled with love and need for me. Where I can look around and feel secure with who I am and what I'm about and how I'm raising my beautiful kids and there's never any doubt.

But that place has never existed for me and never will. Back to my insanity...